Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
P. G. Wodehouse

He was of the faith in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.
Kingsley Amis

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
Variously ascribed

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mahatma Gandhi

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
Samuel Butler

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincey

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux

Wit is educated insolence.

Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Gore Vidal

When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Johnny Carson

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
H. L. Mencken

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

All children are essentially criminal.
Denis Diderot

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
Anthony Williams

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
Florynce Kennedy

Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.
Max Frisch

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
Robert Byrne

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia.
Mark Twain

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield